This was a transaction, and she was coerced into participating. ᴛʜɪs ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ɪs ᴜᴘᴅᴀᴛᴇ ʙʏ novel fire.net This body of hers was not solely for Chuan Yue’s pleasure and debauchery. His meticulous efforts to enhance her "worth" were because, if he desired, he could entirely coerce her into being enjoyed and toyed with by any other person. Wealthy heirs, leaders, dignitaries, bosses...even those filthy workers or sleazy thugs who snuck into her dorm that day...this body, which she cherished immensely, and once thought was her most precious and wholly her own, was now tightly controlled by this "gentle and refined" "kind and gentlemanly" Director Shi. She would never have any agency over it again and could only let him name his price, let him sell, debase, humiliate, and use it as he wished. Sometimes, she would rather he just wanted to exploit her body. Let it be, let him disgrace her, once it happened, would she fear it not happening again? Again and again, she could at least numb herself with this man’s indulgence and demands on her body... She didn’t want to admit it, but she had to face it... Even if the humiliation drove her mad, the pain was despairing, the mental shame was overwhelming, and the physical pain of her body’s defilement was all too real... Yet this deformed sexuality still brought abnormal excitement and pleasure, and for a girl of sixteen, she could no longer discern if this suffering and joy were something all girls were doomed to experience. She would rather it be this way, rather than that Ishikawa Yue wanted to play with her, to have her, to enjoy her young body. If that were the case, she would have fully accepted the fate of being Ishikawa Yue’s little sex slave, little toy, little pet, because then everything would be just a little secret between herself and Ishikawa Yue. Virginity was gone, chastity had been taken, purity had vanished, what’s left... What’s to hold on to? He likes to have his way with her, she can let him play, play repeatedly, play to his heart’s content, play unrestrainedly, tormentingly... Isn’t that the way it is, maybe she too could savor that kind of forbidden pleasure, and get something she wanted...including a sense of safety that paradoxically arises from the shadows. At least this Ishikawa Yue didn’t appear so disgusting or repulsive, instead possessing an ineffable aura of strength that captivated her. Let loose a bit, like Sister Jinjin said, don’t be restricted by those worldly views of chastity and virtue; have sex with him, offer herself for his debasement, enjoy with him, offer herself for his profanity, doesn’t he return many benefits in exchange? But nothing would be that simple. A spider capturing a butterfly cannot possibly be merely appreciating the butterfly’s beauty. Everything is about exchange, but the depth of the exchange surpasses the naive and absurd fantasy of "I sleep with a man, and he gives me love," a deeply profound yet indifferent worldly principle, never to be revealed to little girls in fairy tales. Sometimes she thought, the world’s rules are truly such filthy transactions. Though some mask them on the surface, ostensibly tolerable, somewhat decent, but there’s essentially no difference. Like when Coach Xu asked her to come, wasn’t it merely to "serve drinks"? She didn’t want to, but for the "task," for the team’s benefit, didn’t she come? If this had happened when Coach Xu’s generation was young, she’d probably be deemed "shameless." Now, female team members, even the underaged girls in their teens, occasionally drinking a bit with leaders, even in the sports circle, it’s no longer a big deal. Transaction, rules, authority. No difference. Except that man had a stronger hold over her, more bargaining chips, and offered more robust and solid transactional capital, along with the violence and coercion that terrified her, he must be demanding more. She had exchanged temporary safety, a period of endurance, living each day in a bewildered daze as if in a dream. In the sunlight, she could freely pursue her celebrity dreams; the national team’s training list was coming out next month, and rumor had it she was a shoo-in; the second phase of "Super Competition" filming was starting next week, even in the studio, many young boys and girls surrounded her; after the "Reinvigorated Rendezvous" interview, even though the provincial team kept postponing, limiting her appearances, her interview schedule was booked until the end of the year; aside from the sponsorship bonus from the team, Wanqing Company specifically wanted her to solo shoot a set of "Qin" girls’ casual wear photos, apart from what the team could take, she would earn fifteen thousand RMB, equivalent to her athlete stipend for half a year; He Xi University accepted her application, she could start with correspondence, earning credits for a future college diploma upon retiring from sports... But, is it all worth it? Or rather, until today, could she only fearfully speculate what the true cost of all this would be? How on earth would Ishikawa Yue "use" her? Use me! Have your way with me! Better you do it again and again! Her consciousness gradually blurred, softened. Sometimes, she would be painfully awakened by a piercing ache. Ever since that night being raped by Chuan Yue, she was caught in a struggle between restraint and madness. Nights are often sleepless, and the only way she could ensure sleep...was, in fact...masturbation. Imagining all sorts of absurd scenarios, she would touch her own body, explore it, then amidst the echoes of climax, she could barely fall asleep. Sometimes, in her fantasies, it was a celebrity, sometimes a fictional character from a novel, sometimes even a superhero from a movie, sometimes Jiang Ziyuan, sometimes even Coach Xu, and on particularly disgusting occasions, it would be some evil overlord conjured from a wicked cartoon, and in those fantasy sex scenes, the only constant was their romantic, gentle, considerate affection for her: no violence, no coercion, no bondage or humiliation. She used to imagine rape scenes during masturbation influenced by media, but now, it was entirely gone... Yet, inexplicably, when climax gradually approached at her fingertips, all of them would transform into the face of Ishikawa Yue, and she would feel an extreme sense of repulsion, humiliation, and shame. Interestingly, this very repulsion, humiliation, and shame allowed her to fantasize about falling asleep in Ishikawa Yue’s embrace. She had engaged in masturbation before, but now she was increasingly fearful of this mental addiction. Incredibly, after being raped by Ishikawa Yue, she found herself growing fonder of the pleasure masturbation brought. Perhaps it was because Chuan Yue’s rape inflicted an indelible psychological trauma on her? Perhaps it was her subconscious stopping an uncontainable longing for the terror and desire of Chuan Yue on her body again? Perhaps it was a feeling of self-abandonment: since her body had been played, soiled, and defiled by Chuan Yue, there was no shame in deriving some joy from masturbation. What’s masturbation, anyway? Her body, perhaps she no longer had control over it, could not offer it to Jiang Ziyuan, a boyfriend, or a future husband, but at least in bed, she could derive exciting pleasure and soothing sleep from it for herself, what’s wrong with that? Of course, there were also rare nights when she would touch herself without lust. Caressing her body as if she were tenderly cherishing another person, another pure girl, another who had not fallen into darkness, an athlete still simply aspiring to the Olympic dreams on the podium...as if she still possessed that power, to flaunt youth, to savor splendor, to indulge in romance, to dream of love.