This is a transaction, and I was coerced into participating. My body, it’s not just for pleasing Mr. Lu, for his pleasure. He has elevated my "value" for the purpose that, if he wishes, he can completely coerce me into serving and being enjoyed by any other person. Any rich kids, any leaders, any dignitaries, any bosses... even those who sneaked into my dorm that day, whether dirty laborers or vile rogues... This body, which I once cherished beyond measure, which I thought was the most precious, and belonged solely to me, has now been firmly controlled by this "gentlemanly" and "kind-hearted" Director Shi, and I will never have the autonomy again. It will be up to him to set the price, to sell, to humiliate, and to use as he pleases. Sometimes, I honestly wish he just wanted to play with my body. Go ahead, play with it, humiliate it. Having experienced it once, would I fear not having it happen again? Time and again, at least I could numb myself in this man’s indulgence and demand of my body... I don’t want to admit it, yet I must face it... Even if the humiliation drives me insane, the pain reaches despair, the shame is overwhelming, the physical pain from defilement is tangible as such... Yet, the distorted intimacy still brings abnormal stimulation and pleasure, and for a sixteen-year-old girl like me, I can no longer distinguish if this is the pain and joy all girls must inevitably experience. Check latest chapters at novel·fiɾe·net I’d rather it be this way, I’d rather Lu Jincheng want to play with me, want to mess with me, want to enjoy my young body. If so, I have completely accepted the fate of being Lu Jincheng’s little sex slave, little toy, little pet, because in that case, it’s all just a little secret between myself and Lu Jincheng. Virginity is gone, chastity is taken away, purity is vanished, what’s left... what can I cling to? He loves to manipulate me sexually, I can let him play, play repeatedly, play to the fullest, play fiercely, play tortuously... Isn’t that how it is, maybe I can also savor that forbidden pleasure, I can gain some things I wish for... including even finding a sense of security in the shadows. At least, on the outside, Lu Jincheng doesn’t look so disgusting or objectionable to her, but rather possesses a certain indescribable quality of strength that fascinates her. Let go a bit, as Sister Jinjin said, don’t be constrained by worldly notions of chastity or heroine virtues, make love with him, serve him pleasure, enjoy with him, offer him debasement, doesn’t he also exchange many benefits for her? But things are not so simple. The spider traps the butterfly, it’s not just to admire the butterfly’s beauty. Everything is an exchange, but the depth of exchange surpasses the childish absurd fantasy of "I sleep with men, men give me love," the profound and indifferent secular principles that fairy tales never reveal to young girls. Sometimes, when thinking about it, the world’s rules are actually dirty transactions. Just some perform on the surface, appear bearable, more decent at first glance, but there’s essentially no difference. Like when Coach Xu called me over, isn’t it just "accompanying for drinks"? I don’t want to, but for the "mission," for the benefit of the team, didn’t I come? If it were when Coach Xu’s generation was still young, I would probably be considered "unspeakably immoral," while now, a female team member, even if just a teenage minor girl, occasionally accompanying leaders for a drink is hardly a big deal, even in the sports circle. Transaction, rules, dominance. No difference. Just that man, has stronger control over me, more bargaining chips, he provides more substantial and solid transaction capital, accompanied by terrifying violence and coercion, the things he demands will surely be more. I’ve traded for temporary safety, temporary patience, temporary dreamlike, ignorant, numb days. Under the sunlight, I can freely pursue my star dreams; the national team training list will be released next month, the rumor says she’s a shoo-in for this training; the Super Competition filming will begin its second phase next week, even in the studio, many young boys and girls surround me; after the "Still Promised" interview, even though the provincial team keeps delaying, limiting my appearances, my interview plans are booked through till the end of the year; besides the sponsorship bonuses from the team, Wanqing Company specifically named me to solo shoot a photo set of "Qin" teenage casual clothes, besides what the team gets, I will receive fifteen thousand RMB, equal to half a year’s athlete stipend for her; He Xi University accepted my registration, allows for distance learning, counting credits after her retirement, could enable her to earn a university diploma in future... But, is the cost of all this worth it? Or rather, until today, she can only fearfully guess, what exactly will be the cost of all this? How will Lu Jincheng "use" her? Play with me! Come mess with me! I’d rather you come rape me again and again! As her consciousness gradually becomes confused, soft. Sometimes she gets awakened by piercing pain. Ever since that night when she was raped by Mr. Lu, she fell into a battle between restraint and frenzy. Slept often eludes her, and the only way she can guarantee sleep... surprisingly... is... through masturbation. Fantasizing various absurd scenes, to touch her body, to explore her body, and then amidst the remnants of climax, she can barely fall asleep. Sometimes, in the fantasy, it’s a certain celebrity, sometimes a character in a novel, sometimes even a superhero in a movie, and sometimes it’s Jiang Ziyuan, and even sometimes it’s Coach Xu, in the most disgusting moments, it’s a fantasy of a wicked villain from an evil cartoon, while in these fantasy intimate scenes, the only constant is that they are all very romantic, kind, tenderly loving, without brutality, no coercion, no bondage or humiliation; it’s worth noting that she used to fantasize about rape scenes during masturbation from media influences, but now completely absent... But, for some unknown reason, when climax gradually approaches at her fingertips, all of them would transform into Lu Jincheng’s face, she would feel intense resistance, humiliation, and shame. Yet, it’s this very resistance, humiliation, shame, that lets her fantasize falling asleep in Lu Jincheng’s arms. She had also experienced masturbation before, but now, she has become increasingly afraid of this addictive inclination. Unbelievably, after being raped by Lu Jincheng, she actually became increasingly enamored with the pleasure brought by masturbation. Perhaps, it’s due to Mr. Lu’s rape, causing an indelible psychological trauma? Maybe, is it the unrepressable fear and desire for Mr. Lu to return to her body? Perhaps, it’s a feeling of self-abandonment: since my body has been played, humiliated, raped, dirtied by Mr. Lu, masturbating, giving myself some happiness, what is there to be ashamed of? Masturbation, what does it count as? My body, maybe I no longer have the power to control, can’t offer it to Jiang Ziyuan, can’t offer it to a boyfriend, can’t offer it to future husband, but at least in bed, I can use it to give myself bursts of thrilling pleasure, provide peaceful sleep, why can’t I? Of course, there are a few nights where she would caress herself without lust. She caresses her body as if tenderly loving another person, another pure girl, another who hasn’t fallen into darkness, a young girl still simply dreaming about Olympic dreams on the platform as an athlete... as if she still possesses that power, can indulge youth, flaunt capital, savor romance, dream of intimacy.