This is a transaction, and I was coerced to participate. This body of mine is not only to please Mr. Lu, to serve his lust. He has raised my "value" with such intention because if he wants, he can completely force me to be enjoyed and toyed with by anyone else. What rich heirs, what leaders, what dignitaries, what bosses... Even those who slipped into my dorm that day, who knows whether they were filthy workers or lewd thugs... This body that I cherish immensely, which I once thought was the most precious and belonged only to me, is now tightly controlled by this "gentle" and "kind gentleman" Director Shi, and I will never again have the upper hand. It will be up to him to set the price, to sell, to humiliate, and to use as he desires. Sometimes, I would rather he just wanted to play with my body. If he wants to play, let him play; if he wants to humiliate, let him humiliate. After the first time, why fear a second? Time and again, at least I can numb myself in this man’s obsession and demand for my body... She doesn’t want to admit, but she must face... Even if the humiliation drives her insane, the pain becomes despairing, the psychological shame is unbearable, the physical pain of losing virginity is so real... But the distorted sex still brings deformed stimulation and pleasure. For a sixteen-year-old girl, she already cannot tell if this is the inevitable pain and joy every girl must experience. That’s preferable, it’s preferable if Lu Jincheng wants to play with me, wants to touch me, wants to enjoy my young body. If that’s the case, I’ve completely accepted the fate of being Lu Jincheng’s little sex slave, little toy, little pet because then, it’s just a little secret between him and me. Virginity is gone, chastity has been taken, purity has vanished, what else is there to hold onto? He likes to rape and play with me, I can let him play, play repeatedly, play heartily, play wildly, play to torture... Isn’t that just it. I might even taste that forbidden pleasure and gain some things I desire... including a sense of security born out of shadows. At least, this Lu Jincheng seems less disgusting and repulsive on the surface. Instead, there’s an inexplicable charisma belonging to someone powerful that bewilders her. Let go a little, as Sister Jinjin said, don’t let worldly chastity and heroine viewpoints constrain you. Engage in sex with him, entertain his lust, delight with him, let him desecrate. Doesn’t he equally exchange many benefits with me? But nothing is that simple. The spider won’t capture a butterfly just to admire its beauty. Everything is a transaction, but the depth of the transaction surpasses the childish absurd fantasy of "I sleep with a man, he loves me" that a little girl might hold. These profound yet cold worldly rules are never something fairy tales will tell young girls. Sometimes, thinking about it, the world’s rules are all such dirty deals. It’s just that superficially they make a pretentious show so it’s barely tolerable at first glance, more dignified; but essentially, there’s no great difference. Just like Coach Xu calling me to accompany drinking, isn’t it? I was unwilling, but for the "task", for the benefit of the team, still came. If this were in the youth of Coach Xu’s generation, I would probably be considered "outrageous". And nowadays, a female team member, even a teenaged underage girl sometimes accompanying leadership for a drink, even in the sports circle, isn’t considered a big deal at all. Transaction, rules, domination. No difference. It’s just that this man holds more control, more leverage over me, offers greater and stronger transactional capital, accompanied by violence and coercion that terrifies her, demanding certainly more. I have exchanged for temporary safety, temporary endurance, days lived in a seemingly dreamlike daze. In the sunlight, I can freely chase my star dream; the national training team list will be announced next month, and rumors say it’s certain I will participate in this training; "Super Competition" filming will start its second phase next week— even in the studio, many teenagers surround me; after the "Still Rendezvous" interview, even though the provincial team has repeatedly postponed and limited my appearances, my interview schedule is booked until the end of the year; besides the team’s sponsorship bonus, Wanqing Company specifically wants me to independently film a photo shoot for a set of "Qin" teenage leisurewear, excluding what the team gets, I can earn 15,000 RMB, equivalent to my athlete stipend for half a year; He Xi University has accepted my registration and allows correspondence courses, enabling me to accumulate credits and earn a college diploma after retiring... But, is the price of all this worthwhile or not? Or until today, she can only fearfully guess what the price of all this will ultimately be? How exactly will Lu Jincheng "use" me? Use me! Come touch me! I’d rather you rape and assault me time and again! Consciousness gradually blurs, collapses. Yet sometimes is jolted awake by piercing pain. Since being raped by Mr. Lu that night, she’s actually caught in a struggle between restraint and madness. Nights often find her sleepless, and the only way to ensure sleep is... indeed... masturbation. Fantasizing in various absurd scenarios, touching her body, exploring her body, only managing sleep amidst the afterglow of climax. Sometimes, in fantasies, it’s some star, sometimes a novel’s character, sometimes even movie superheroes, and at times Jiang Ziyuan, even Coach Xu, and in more nauseating times, some monstrous villain from an imagined cartoon. In these fantasy sexual scenarios, the constant is they are always very romantic, kind, tenderly loving her, absent of oppression, coercion, bondage, or humiliation. She used to, influenced by media, fantasize about rape scenes during masturbation, but now that’s completely gone... But, unknown why, as the climax slowly approaches at her fingertips, they all morph into Lu Jincheng’s face, and she again feels extreme repulsion, humiliation, and shame. Precisely this resistance, humiliation, and shame allow her to fantasize about falling asleep in Lu Jincheng’s arms. She has had experiences with masturbation before, but now, she increasingly fears this psychological addiction. Incredibly, after being raped by Lu Jincheng, she finds herself more and more addicted to the pleasure of masturbation. Perhaps, because Mr. Lu’s rape caused an indelible psychological trauma? Perhaps, deep inside, she cannot stop the fear and yearning for Mr. Lu’s body once more? Perhaps, it’s a self-destructive sentiment: since her body has already been played, humiliated, raped, and tainted by Mr. Lu, what is the shame in bringing herself some joy through masturbation? What is masturbation, anyway? Maybe she can never have control over her body again, cannot offer it to Jiang Ziyuan, cannot offer it to a boyfriend, cannot offer it to a future husband, but at least in bed, she can use it to bring herself waves of thrill, ensure sleep, and what’s wrong with that? Get full chapters from novel_fіre.net Of course, on new moon nights, she might touch herself without lust. Caressing her body as if tenderly, lovingly cherishing another person, another pure girl, another girl who hasn’t fallen into darkness, an athlete still dreaming of Olympic dreams on the podium... As if she still has that kind of power, to freely youth, flaunt capital, taste romance, and dream of sex.