This is a transaction, and I was coerced into participating. Google seaʀᴄh NoveIＦire.net This body of mine is not only here to please Mr. Lu, to serve his lustful desires. He’s been so deliberate in raising my "value," because as long as he wishes, he could easily force me to be used and toyed with by anyone else. Whether it’s rich heirs, leaders, dignitaries, bosses... even those who snuck into my dorm that day, whether filthy laborers or sleazy hooligans... this body I cherish so dearly, this body I once thought was most precious and belonged solely to me, is now completely controlled by this "gentle and urbane," "kind gentleman" Director Shi. I will never have authority over it anymore, but can only let him decide the price, let him trade it, let him humiliate and abuse it, and use it at will. Sometimes, I’d rather he simply wants to indulge in my body. Let him play, let him humiliate, but after once, would I still fear there wouldn’t be a next time? Time after time, I can at least numb myself in this man’s obsession and demands for my body... She doesn’t want to admit it, but she must face it... Even if the shame drives her insane, the pain leads her to despair, the psychological humiliation is beyond measure, the physical pain of deflowering is as vivid... Yet the distorted sex still brings distorted thrills and pleasures, for her at age sixteen, she can no longer discern if this is the inevitable pain and joy every girl must experience. I’d rather it be , I’d rather Lu Jincheng wants to play with me, wants to mess with me, wants to enjoy my innocent body. If that were the case, I’ve completely accepted the fate of being Lu Jincheng’s little slave, little toy, little pet, because then it would be just our little secret. Virginity is gone, chastity is lost, purity has vanished, what’s left... what can I still hold onto? He likes to ravish me, I can let him play, repeatedly play, play freely, play fiercely, play torturously... isn’t that all there is, maybe I can also savor that forbidden pleasure, and gain some things I want... including a sense of security that arises in the shadows. At least, this Lu Jincheng appears, outwardly, not so repulsive and disgusting to her; instead, there’s an indescribable charm that only a strong person possesses, alluring her. Let go a little, as Sister Jinjin said, don’t be constrained by the secular views of virginity and heroine, and have sex with him, serve him in pleasure, be intimate with him, serve him in desecration, won’t he be able to exchange many benefits for me? But nothing will be that simple. The spider ensnares the butterfly, not just to admire the butterfly’s beauty. Everything is in exchange, but the depth of the exchange surpasses the naive, absurd fantasy of "I sleep with a man, the man gives me love," a profound yet indifferent secular rule that fairy tales will never tell young girls. Actually, sometimes upon reflection, the rules of the world are indeed such dirty transactions. But some, on the surface, make a fuss that, at first glance, seem bearable and decent, but essentially there’s no difference. Just like Coach Xu calling me over, isn’t it just to "keep company with drinks"? I am unwilling, yet for the "task," for the team’s interests, didn’t I come? Had it been when Coach Xu’s generation was young, I fear I would have been deemed "debauched beyond shame," whereas now, female team members, even teenage girls, occasionally accompanying leaders for a drink, even in the sports circle, is hardly a big deal. Transaction, rules, authority. There’s no difference. Except that man has stronger control over me, more leverage, more robust and solid transaction capital to offer me, accompanied by violence and coercion that terrify her, what he desires must be more. I’ve traded for temporary safety, temporary endurance, temporary days of confusion, seemingly in a dream. Under the sunlight, I can indulge in my star dreams; the national team training list will be announced next month, and rumors say she’s already confirmed to participate in this training; "Super Competition" filming will start its second phase next week, even in the studio, surrounded by many boys and girls fans; after the "Still Love" interview, despite the provincial team repeatedly pushing back, limiting my screen appearances, my interview plans are already scheduled until the end of the year; aside from the team sponsorship bonuses, Wanqing Company named me to go solo for the "Qin" girls’ casual wear photoshoot, excluding the team’s share, I will receive 15,000 RMB, equivalent to my athlete allowance for half a year; He Xi University accepted my application, allowing correspondence courses first, to calculate credits upon retirement, enabling me to obtain a university degree in the future... But is all this cost worth it or not? Or rather, until today, she can only fearfully speculate the cost of all this, ultimately, what will it be? How will Lu Jincheng "use" me? Play with me! Mess with me! I’d rather you come and rape me, fuck me, time and time again! Consciousness gradually grows dizzy and soft. Sometimes awakened by piercing pain. Ever since that night when Mr. Lu raped her, she has been caught in a tug-of-war between restraint and frenzy. Nighttime often brings insomnia, and the only method to ensure sleep... surprisingly is... masturbation. Fantasizing about various absurd scenarios, touching herself, exploring her body, and then in the residual ecstasy of climax, she can barely sleep. Sometimes, in fantasies, it’s some celebrity, sometimes a character from a novel, sometimes even a superhero from a movie, and other times it’s Jiang Ziyuan, sometimes even Coach Xu, at the most disgusting moments, it’s some diabolical villain that only exists in fantasies or cartoons, yet in these fantasy sexual scenes, the only constant is that they are all very romantic, gentle, tenderly loving her, devoid of cruelty, coercion, binding or humiliation; mind you, she used to, affected by the media, fantasize about some rape scenes during masturbation, but now they are completely absent... However, inexplicably, when climax gradually approaches through her fingertips, they all morph into Lu Jincheng’s face, and she again experiences extreme rejection, humiliation, and shame. Oddly enough, this rejection, humiliation, and shame let her fantasize lying in Lu Jincheng’s arms to fall asleep. She used to have masturbatory experiences, but now, she’s increasingly fearful of this addiction of the heart. Unbelievably, after being forced into deflowering by Lu Jincheng, she’s increasingly enamored with the pleasure brought by masturbation. Perhaps, because Mr. Lu’s rape caused her an indelible psychological trauma? Perhaps, it’s her innermost fear and desire for Mr. Lu to come upon her body again that she cannot stop? Perhaps, it’s a self-abandoning emotion: since my body has already been played, humiliated, raped, dirtied by Mr. Lu, masturbation, bringing myself some happiness, what is there to be ashamed about? Masturbation, what does it count for? Maybe I no longer have the authority over my body, cannot offer it to Jiang Ziyuan, cannot offer it to my boyfriend, cannot offer it to my future husband, but at least under the covers, I can use it to bring myself waves of thrilling pleasure, to bring sleep, so what’s wrong with that? Of course, there are very few nights when she touches herself without lust. She strokes her body as if tenderly loving another person, another pure girl, another who hasn’t fallen into darkness, a girl who still simply dreams about Olympic dreams on the platform... as if she still possesses that power, can freely express youth, showcase capital, savor romance, dream of sex.