21 The Atlantic wind cuts through my coat as I stand at the cliff's edge in County Cork . Below , waves crash against rocks that have stood for centuries . Unchanging . Unforgiving . I come here when I need to remember . When I need to punish myself with memories . Ten years since I lost her . Ten years since I destroyed the only pure thing in my life . But to understand the ending , you need to know the beginning . I fell in love with Saoirse Brennan when I was fifteen years old . She strutted into St. Catherine's Academy like she owned it - which , given her father's position , she practically did . While other girls tried to fade into the background , Saoirse blazed like fire . " You're Cillian O'Sullivan , " she announced , dropping into the desk beside mine . " I'm Saoirse . You're going to bring me breakfast every morning because the cafeteria food is shit . " " Am I now ? " I kept my eyes on my book , playing it cool . " Unless you want me to tell everyone about the gun in your backpack . " That got my attention . " How did you- " " Please . My father's Vincent Brennan . I know what a concealed carry looks like . " She grinned . " So. Breakfast ?" And that's how it started . Every morning for three years , I brought her whatever she wanted . Told myself it was just keeping the peace between families . Lied to myself from day one . My father , Sean O'Sullivan , ruled Boston's Irish mob with iron and tradition . My older brother Aiden was his perfect heir- charming , violent when needed , born for the life . I was the spare . The quiet one . The thinker . " You're soft ," my father would say , watching me do homework instead of learning enforcement techniques . " Too much of your mother in you . " But soft men didn't survive in our world . So I learned to hide it . Learned to be what was needed . Until Saoirse made me forget to hide . " Why do you pretend ? " she asked one night , senior year . We were studying in the library- or pretending to . " Pretend what ? " " That you're cold . Unfeeling . I see how you flinch when your father talks about necessity . " " Flinching is weakness . " " No. " She touched my hand . " Flinching is humanity . Don't lose that , Cillian . Promise me . " I promised . Another lie that would come back to haunt me . We chose the same college without discussing it . In that new world of civilians who didn't understand our life , we gravitated together naturally . She brought me every problem ; I solved them all . Her mother called me whipped . My father called me distracted . We didn't care . We were young , in love , and certain nothing could touch us . How wrong we were . Everything changed the night Aiden died . A territory dispute with the Russians . Aiden went to negotiate . They sent him back in pieces . My father aged ten years in one night . My mother stopped speaking entirely . And I became the heir I never wanted to be . The war that followed was brutal . We won , but at a cost . My father took a bullet that festered , turned septic . On his deathbed , he called me close . " Aiden's wife , " he wheezed . " Delphine . She's carrying his child . Your nephew . The future of our line . " " I'll protect them , Da . " " Swear it . Blood oath ." I cut my palm , let the blood drip onto his . " I swear . " " More than protection , " he gasped . " The child needs ... legitimacy . A father's name , Marry her . Give the baby our name legally , " " Da , I can't . Saoirse- " " Will understand . She's a good Irish girl . Knows family comes first . " His grip tightened . " Swear it ! " What could I do ? Let my father die without peace ? Dishonor my brother's memory ? " I swear . " He died with a smile . I lived with a curse . I told myself it would be simple . A paper marriage . Legal protection for the child . Saoirse would understand 21 So I married her in secret . City hall . No witnesses except my mother and lawyer . Just paper , I told myself . Just a formality . Every lie we tell ourselves becomes a chain .