Chapter 5 I once heard someone say we're all just one phone call away from our knees. It's the absolute truth. My voice comes out in a shaky whisper when I ask, "Is he okay?" I wait for the nurse on the other end of the line to tell me that Chris will be fine. But all I get is a long stretch of silence. It feels like someone is wringing my spine like a wet towel. I want to double over from the pain, but the pain isn't physical. It's an intangible anguish that feels terminal. "I don't know details," the nurse says. "All I know is that he was brought in a few moments ago, so try to get here as soon as possible." I choke out an okay before ending the call, but I'm almost positive she would have given me more information if the news were better. If the news were better, Chris would have called me himself. I'm holding Elijah. I was holding him when the phone rang, and now I'm clutching him even tighter, still on my knees. For at least a minute, I'm frozen on my living room floor. But then Elijah yawns, and it snaps me back into a grim reality. I call Jenny first, but her phone goes to voice mail. It's her first day back to work. She won't have her phone on her until her lunch break. But word will spread fast at the hospital, and she'll find out soon enough. I start to call Jonah next so that he can come get Elijah, but I don't even have his phone number saved in my phone. I rush to the sheet of paper Jenny left me this morning and enter the number she wrote down to reach him. It goes straight to voice mail. He's in class. I'll call the school to get in touch with him soon, but every second I spend trying to contact someone is a second longer it's going to take me to get to the hospital. I strap Elijah into his car seat, grab his diaper bag and my keys, and leave. The trip to the hospital is a blur. I spend it whispering prayers and gripping the steering wheel and stealing glances at my phone resting in the passenger seat, waiting for Jenny to call me back. I don't call Clara at school yet. I need to know that Chris is okay before I worry her. If they haven't already notified Jenny that Chris was in a wreck, I'll have them page her when I get inside. She can take Elijah then. For now, he's with me, so I take his diaper bag and his car seat and run toward the entrance. I'm faster than the automatic sliding doors of the emergency room. I'm forced to pause my sprint for a couple of seconds so they can open wide enough for me to enter. As soon as I'm inside, I go straight to the nurse's desk. It's a nurse I don't recognize. I used to know almost everyone in this hospital because I thought it made Chris look good for me to know everyone at his office parties, but they come and go so often, I don't even try to keep up anymore. "Where's my husband?" The words tumble out in a panic. Her eyes are sympathetic. "Who is your husband?" "Chris." I gasp for air. "Chris Grant. He works here, and he was just brought in." Her expression changes when I say his name. "Let me get someone who can help you. I just got on shift." "Can you page my sister? She works here too. Jenny Davidson." The nurse nods but rushes away from the window without paging Jenny. I set Elijah's car seat on the closest chair. I try Jenny again and then Jonah's cell phone again, but they both go straight to voice mail. I don't have time to wait on the nurse to figure out her shit. I call the hospital and ask for Labor and Delivery. They connect me after the most excruciating thirty seconds of hold time in my life. "Labor and Delivery, how may I direct your call?" "I need to speak to Jenny Davidson. One of your nurses. It's an emergency." "Hold, please." Elijah starts to cry, so I put my phone on speaker and set it in the chair so that I can pull him out of his car seat. I pace back and forth, waiting for Jenny to answer, waiting for a nurse, waiting for a doctor, waiting, waiting, waiting. "Ma'am?" I grab my phone. "Yes?" "Jenny isn't on schedule until tomorrow. She's been out on maternity leave." I shake my head, frustrated. Elijah is growing more agitated. He's hungry. "No, she started back this morning." There's a moment of hesitation from the woman on the other line before she repeats herself. "She isn't on schedule until tomorrow. I've been here all day, and she's not here." Before I start to argue with her, the doors to outside open, and Jonah rushes in. He pauses for a second, almost as if he wasn't expecting to see me here already. I hang up the phone and toss it in the chair. "Thank God," I say, handing Elijah to him. I reach into the bag and pull out a pacifier. I put it in Elijah's mouth and then head back to the window and ring the bell three times. Jonah is standing next to me now. "What do you know?" "Nothing," I say, exasperated. "All I was told on the phone is that it was a car wreck." I finally look up at Jonah, and I've never seen him like this. Pale. Expressionless. For a moment, I worry about him more than myself, so I take Elijah from him. He backs up to a chair and sits down. In the midst of my internal hysteria, irritation begins to claw its way out. Chris is my husband. Jonah should be worried about me more than himself right now. The waiting room is alarmingly empty. Elijah only becomes fussier, so I sit three seats down from Jonah and pull a bottle out of Elijah's diaper bag. It's cold, but it'll have to do. The second I put it in his mouth, he stops fussing and begins to devour it. He smells like baby powder. I close my eyes and press my cheek against the top of his warm head, hoping the distraction will keep me from breaking down. I can feel in my gut that it might not be good. If they aren't allowing us to go see Chris, that means he's probably in surgery. Hopefully for something minor. I want my sister. Jonah isn't really someone who can bring me comfort at a time like this. In fact, I'd rather he not be here, but if I can get in touch with Jenny, she'll make the situation better. And she can probably find out more information about Chris. Maybe Jonah has already spoken with her. "Is Jenny on her way over?" I lift my head just as Jonah swings his gaze in my direction. He doesn't answer my question. He just stares at me, his brow furrowed, so I continue. "I tried calling her, but whoever answered the phone in Labor and Delivery kept telling me she isn't on the schedule today." Jonah's eyes squint with a shake of his head. "I'm confused," he says. "I know. I told her she started back today, but the woman tried arguing with me." "Why are you trying to call Jenny?" He's standing now. The confusion dripping from him is making me more nervous than I already am. "She's my sister. Of course I'm going to call her and tell her about Chris." Jonah shakes his head. "What about Chris?" What about Chris? I'm so confused. "What do you mean? They called me and said Chris was in a wreck. Why else would I be here?" Jonah swallows, dragging his hands down his face. Somehow, his eyes fill with even more concern. "Morgan." He steps closer to me. "I'm here because Jenny was in a wreck." If I wasn't already sitting, I would have fallen. I don't make a noise. I just stare at him and try to process everything. I shake my head and try to speak, but my words are weak. "You must have misunderstood them. They can't both have been . . ." "Wait here," Jonah says. He strides to the window and rings the bell. I pull my cell phone out of my purse and dial Jenny's number. Voice mail again. I dial Chris's number. Maybe there was a mistake in the computer. His phone goes to voice mail too. This has to be some mistake. A few seconds pass with no sign of anyone, so Jonah moves to the doors that lead to the emergency room. He beats on them until someone finally appears at the window. A nurse I instantly recognize. Her name is Sierra. She has a daughter in Clara's class. She looks at me, and then her eyes fix on Jonah. "I think there's been a mistake," Jonah says. I'm next to him at the window now, holding Elijah. I can't feel my legs. I don't even know how I walked from the chair to here. "Who had a wreck? Who was brought in?" I can't stop the questions from spilling out of me. "Was it my husband or my sister?" Sierra's eyes dart from me to Jonah and then down to the desk in front of her. "Let me get someone who can help you, Morgan." Jonah grabs at his hair when she walks away. "Dammit." It's not lost on me that no one seems to want to be in our presence. We're being avoided, and that terrifies me. No one wants to be the bearer of bad news. "They can't both be hurt," I whisper. "They can't." "They're not," Jonah says. His voice is so full of confidence I almost believe him. But then he rubs his forehead and leans against the wall for support. "Who called you? What did they say?" "The hospital. About twenty minutes ago. They specifically said Chris. There was no mention of Jenny." "Same, but they told me Jenny." Just then, Sierra reappears, this time through the doors. "You guys can come with me." She doesn't take us to a hospital room. She takes us to another waiting room, farther inside the ER. Jonah is holding Elijah now. I didn't even notice he took him from me. Sierra tells us to have a seat, but neither of us does. "I don't have news on their conditions yet." "So, it is both of them?" Jonah asks. "Jenny and Chris?" She nods. "Oh my God," I whisper. I drop my head in my hands. Two huge tears slide down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Morgan," she says. "You guys can wait in here, and as soon as I know something, I'll be back." Sierra leaves the room and closes the door. Jonah sits next to me. We've been in the emergency room less than ten minutes, but the fact that we still don't know anything makes it seem like hours have gone by. "Maybe one of their cars broke down," Jonah mutters. "That's probably why they were together." I nod, but my mind can't even process that sentence right now. I don't know why they were together, in the same car. I don't know why Jenny lied to us and said she was working today. I don't even care. I just need to know that they're okay. Jonah straps a sleeping Elijah into his car seat, then stands and begins pacing the room. I look at the time on my cell phone. I should call someone to pick up Clara. A friend of mine. Or Lexie. I want someone to get to Clara before she finds out about the wreck from someone else. I should call Chris's parents. No, I'll wait. Make sure he's okay first. They live in Florida. Not much they can do from there but worry unnecessarily. Jonah calls his mother and asks if she can come pick up Elijah. Before he hangs up, I get his attention. "Would she mind going to get Clara?" Jonah nods in understanding, then asks his mother to pick up Clara from school. He then calls the school and hands me his phone. I let them know his mom will be picking her up. Clara has met Jonah's mother a couple of times, but she's going to be confused, and Jonah's mother isn't anyone on the pickup list for Clara. I just don't want Clara driving up here alone. She'll be full of worry and panic, and she hasn't had her license all that long. A few more minutes pass. Jonah spends it calling the police station, trying to get information about the wreck. They won't tell him much. He asks what the model of the vehicle is that was involved. It was Jenny's car. A Toyota Highlander. A male was driving. But that's all they'll tell him. "Why was Chris driving her car?" Jonah asks. I treat it as a rhetorical question, but he mutters another. "Why did she lie about working today?" I keep watching my phone as if Jenny or Chris is going to call me and tell me they're fine. "Morgan," Jonah says. I don't look at him. "Do you think . . . are they having an-" "Don't say it," I spit out. I don't want to hear it. Or think it. It's absurd. It's incomprehensible. I stand up and start to pace the portion of the room Jonah hasn't paced yet. I've never been so irritated by sounds before. The beeping coming from the hallway, the tapping of Jonah's fingers against his phone screen as he shoots off texts to Jenny's and Chris's phones, the paging system overhead calling doctors and nurses from one place to another, the squeaking of my shoes against the hardwood floor of this room. I'm so incredibly annoyed by every single thing, but the cacophony of sounds is the only thing I want in my head right now. I don't want to think about why Chris and Jenny were together. "Clara will be here soon. And my mother," Jonah says. "We need to come up with a reason why Chris and Jenny were together." "Why lie to them? I'm sure it was a work-related thing." Jonah is staring at the floor, but I can see that his expression is full of doubt. Concern. Fear. I swipe tears away, and I nod, because he could be right. I choose to believe he's wrong, but his mother and Clara might begin to ask us questions. They'll want specifics, or they'll start having the same thoughts Jonah and I are having. We can't tell them we don't know why they were together. It could cause unnecessary suspicion in Clara. "We can tell them Chris had a flat and Jenny gave him a ride to work," I suggest. "At least until Jenny and Chris can explain it themselves." We make eye contact . . . something we've barely done since he walked into the emergency room. Jonah nods while pressing his lips together, and something about the look in his eyes breaks me. As if Jonah can sense I'm beginning to crack . . . to fade . . . he walks over to me and pulls me in for a comforting hug. I'm clinging to him in fear, my eyes squeezed shut, when the door finally opens. We separate. Jonah steps forward, but when I see the look on the doctor's face, I step back. He begins to speak, but I don't know exactly what he says because his words mean nothing to me. I can see our answer in his apologetic eyes. In the way his lips turn down at the corners. In his remorseful stance. When the doctor tells us there was nothing they could do, Jonah falls into a chair. I just . . . fall.