Chapter 5 My head is fuzzy as I pry my eyes open, wincing from both the sunlight shining through the window and the ache in my muscles. I curl into Kade's embrace and freeze all over, like ice-cold water has doused my naked body when I realise the chest has no tattoos. The hand resting on my hip belongs to someone who isn't my boyfriend. And when I lift my eyes to see the person's face, my stomach curdles. It's Jason. Kade's big brother. I'm in my boyfriend's brother's bed. With no clothes on. I feel like dying when between my legs throbs with the worst pain imaginable. "No," I blurt in a croaky, dry voice and pull away from him - my heart instantly racing and shattering to pieces. I inwardly wince from how stiff my body is. "No. No, no, no. Please no." He groans and tries to reach for me. His eyes are closed, a frown line between his brows as he tries to pull me to him. "Go back to sleep, Giana. We'll go buy tests later." The breath I let out catches halfway, and everywhere tenses as his hand lowers to my ass. I launch myself away from him with a scream and hide my naked body with the duvet, pulling it completely off his. I close my eyes and beg myself to wake up - to rise from this nightmare as I back into a desk chair and drop into it. I open them to slits when I hear the bed shift. I keep my hand up to hide his lower region. Bile rises in my throat. All I can think of is how Kade is never going to forgive me - I've broken his trust and ruined our future together. I'm not like this. I love Kade more than anything in the world. He was the only person who kept me breathing. He was the air to my starved lungs. And going by the indents on my chest, the bite marks all over my breasts and the cut on my nipple, not to mention the bruising and dried blood on my hips and inner thighs, I know I've screwed everything up. Jason sits straight on the mattress, one eye still shut. "Baby, what are you-" His voice stops, and he tilts his head at me - looks back down at the bed then back to me, completely lost. "What are you...? Who...? Stacey?" He grabs a pillow and holds it against himself, his hand shaking as he brushes it through his sweaty hair. "What the fuck?" A tear slips down my cheek as I shake and look at the wall. I'm trying so hard not to sob, to drop to the ground and curl up into a ball and scream for forgiveness. I've betrayed Kade. I... cheated on him. With Jason. Why would I do that? I wouldn't. Kade is everything to me. He's my person. The one I'll have a big family with - grow old with. I don't blink, my body trembling as I rise from the chair, keeping the covers against my chest as I put as much distance between me and the bed as possible. If my body allowed me, I would run, but I can barely stand. My ribs are still cracked. From Chris finding the ultrasound picture in my room and throwing me around in utter rage, kicking me repeatedly in the stomach until my baby girl died. I barely recognise my own voice as I stand and somehow ask, "Did you touch me?" I already know the answer as my words break. "Did we...? Did you...?" Jason's eyes bulge. "Wait. Hold the fuck on a minute. We fucked? I fucked you? I thought you were Giana." His mouth hangs open, and he looks down at the dried blood all over his lower abdomen. "Is this your blood?" I try to gulp and fail, nodding. "I think so." "Fuck, I didn't... We wouldn't..." He stops, shaking his head and dropping it. "This is not happening. Please tell me this is not fucking happening. I have a goddamn fiancée! You're my little brother's girlfriend!" I try to swallow again, but my throat is swollen. "Why am I here, Jason?" He glances up, his hair a mess, eyes red. "I don't fucking know. Why are you here? Why were you in my bed?" I flinch as I step back, and there's a horrible stinging sensation between my legs. My knees buckle - my spine is close to snapping from the pressure of my body trying to stay upright. Flashes come to me, and my chest caves inward, seeing different faces above me. Bodies. In and around me. I remember different smells. Grunts. Being bitten. Someone pressing his large hand against my face, forcing my head into the mattress, hard enough that I thought my skull would crack. Being strangled until my vision faded. Someone slapping me, or was it a headbutt? My stepbrother's voice. The need to run and scream but not being in control of my body. My mind was barely there, but I remember parts. The feeling of being lost. Empty. How much I wanted my boyfriend or my other brother to burst in the door and put a stop to it. I remember the terror. I remember more than one person being... And they... My heart sinks as an image of Jason comes to the forefront of my brain, and my eyes burn as I remember that he was with them. He was on top of me and beneath me. My hand covers my mouth, and I back into the corner of the room, far away from him. "Did you rape me?" He pulls on a pair of boxers and stands. "What? No. I wouldn't... I would never... I... Wait, some guy got me shit-faced and... Fuck, I think we..." He bites his lip and stares at me desperately. "What age are you? Same age as Kade?" "Nineteen," I reply, my jaw jittering as I grip the duvet until it hurts more than my body. "I didn't rape you. Please fucking believe me. I would never do that." I chew my already swollen and cut lip. "I was raped. I remember being raped. I screamed for it to stop and tried to fight back. I remember you." He looks at the bed, the fluid stains there, and his chest rises and falls heavier. "I think we just... I didn't rape you, Stacey. I promise you. I'm not a rapist." My cheeks are soaked. "But you were on top of me," I say with a sob, sinking my nails into my palm. "You were on top of me. I didn't want to. I love Kade." Jason looks over at me, his face pale. A part of me believes that he's innocent. "Did we really...?" he asks, his eyes glazing over. "I think so." I wet my dry lips and glance away. "I think we did. I'm... I'm really sore." His face falls when I lift my eyes back to him. "You're sore?" I nod. "And I have deep bite marks on my chest and thighs. I'm bruised." I don't mention the pain in and around my behind. I'm distraught as it is. He paces, pulling at his hair, muttering to himself about his partner, how Kade will kill him, and questioning himself on whether or not we actually had sex. Wondering if it might be a bad dream. "I'm sorry," I sob. "I'm so sorry. I need to go. I need to go." I try to walk, but my lungs seize, and I gasp from the combined pain all over me and hunch over. I flinch as Jason tries to help me, a terrified sound escaping my lips. He steps back, raising both hands. "I'll get you something." Jason rubs his face with his palm and yanks open the drawers of his dresser, pulling clothes out. "Put these on." He drops the pile in my lap and opens his bedside unit while I slide them on. While his back is turned, I drop the duvet and pull on the top as he hurries into the bathroom and pours me a glass of water. "Take these. If you're sore, they'll help." I stare at his hand, at the two white pills, and I shake my head. "No." "I promise you," he says, slowly kneeling in front of me but still keeping his distance. "I didn't know it was you. I... don't remember much, but I... I thought you were Giana. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I'll fix this." I flinch as he takes my hand and puts the pills into it. "Do you want to go to the hospital? To Kade? If you... If you think I slept with you without your consent, do you want to report me? I'll explain what I can to Kade and hand myself in." Pressure builds behind my eyes. I believe him. "It wasn't your fault. I think my brother brought me here as punishment." Thinking back to last night, my head hurts. I was at the club with Chris and his friends, and he forced me to swallow a pill, then another and another. He held my jaw and yelled at me to drink to flush down the drugs. He made me dance. Someone's fingers were... I said no. And then it all went blank. Jason... where did he come from? I remember seeing him in the club. It was brief, when Chris tried to manhandle me onto the dance floor, or was it off it? I drop my head to my hands. "I'm so sorry," I say. Chris brought him into this. And not only has he ruined my relationship, but he's also ruined Jason and Giana's. "It's my brother. He's a monster. He would have set this up. He's like that. He's evil and manipulative. He... he would have made me do this to get back at me for being with Kade." I hiccough, and a lump of sick climbs up my throat. "I... I came off my pill because me and Kade were trying for another baby. What if? What if we-" I struggle to finish the sentence, the forbidden question that makes me ill. "I love Kade. I thought you were Kade when I woke up. I need to tell him. I can't keep this from him." "I don't remember anyone else being in here. I think... I think we just came here. I don't know. We'll both tell Kade. We'll explain ourselves. The last thing I said to my brother was to keep you safe and keep his chin up." He lets out a disgusted snort, his own eyes red as they water. "And this happens." "What about your fiancée?" Jason stares at me. "I don't think she'll ever forgive me for this. Regardless of the circumstances. She's at work." He glances at the clock. "She'll be home in a few hours." He stands. "I'm going to take you to hospital." "No!" I reach up and grab his arm. "I just want to go home." "I'll pick you up once I speak to Gi. We'll talk to Kade." He wipes his cheek, sniffs and nods. "I'm sorry, Stacey." My lip trembles. "I'm sorry too." By the time he drops me off at home, barely able to walk into my house without cringing in pain, I feel a heaviness on my chest. Both physically and mentally. I'm waiting for my world to end. Chris is playing music in his room. Nora is at a charity event with my dad. And Kyle is at college. I slowly make my way up the stairs, crawling the last flight, and locking my room door behind me. The shower is boiling, turning my skin red, and I sob until I can't anymore as I wash away all the mess. The water goes from red to a light pink to clear, and I stay here, even after it turns cold. I'm not sure how long it takes me to get out and dress, then I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling as I think of a million ways to make Kade not hate me forever. I'm going to lose him. A knock at the door doesn't faze me. Even when it opens thanks to my stepbrother's annoying ability to unlock it from the outside. He chuckles and faintly, I hear him ask, "Rough night?" My eyes don't leave the ceiling. "You left this in the club," he says, dropping my phone on my chest. "You really shouldn't drink. You were quite the mess last night." When he gets no response, he kisses my cheek and leaves. A tear slides down the side of my face, past my ear, and soaks my pillow. An hour goes by. And the pain gets worse. Jason will pick me up soon, and we'll go to Kade. At some point, I check my phone, and my heart twists in my chest when I see all the messages from Kade. Some from my friends. Tylar asking me to go over plans for the studio Ewan is building in the manor. Luciella telling me I need to visit because she's always bored and Base keeps pestering her. My dad telling me him and Nora will be home in the morning. Chris asking if I'm alive yet. And one from Jason, asking if I'm okay and saying he can't face Kade yet. He's sorry. He tells me that Giana had to take on an extra few hours at work and is due later tonight. He apologises again. Kade's final message comes through. My Person: I'm having withdrawals, Freckles. Want me to come to your house and nurse you back to health? Me: No! Me: I'm okay, just really tired. Me and Tylar are coming over later to go over plans with Ewan for the surprise studio he wants to build Luciella. We're just going to stay over. I can come and see you once Ty is asleep? I need to talk to you. My eyes water for the hundredth time, my throat tight as I type another message. Me: I miss you. My Person: Sure. I miss you too, Freckles. I swallow more pain meds and force my legs to work so I can meet with Tylar. I wear a turtleneck and jeans, hiding all the evidence from last night. She asks if I'm okay, notes that I'm pale and tells me to get a good sleep when we're done with Ewan. Jason looks like Ewan. I can barely look at him. When I meet with Kade, he receives a clip of me and Jason, and everything falls apart. He yells at me. He hates me. He says I'm dead to him. He leaves me. He doesn't answer me when I call or text, and when I try to call Jason, he declines. Everything is just... slow, sore, an ache in my head as darkness drapes me. A bubble forms in my mind, and my chest is so heavy that I need it to end. All of it just needs to end. An hour later, the wind whips my hair around as I stand at the Erskine Bridge. I stare into the mist, the drop beneath me deadly but effective. All I need to do is step forward, and it all goes away. Chris can't get me, because I'll be dead. You're fucking dead to me. I'm dead to me too. I'm not scared. It'll make it all stop. I won't be scared to go home. I can be with my baby girl. A car screeches behind me, but I keep my empty gaze forward. Each breath counts down to my last as my grip on the railing slowly lessens, but movement in my peripheral vision stops me from letting go. "Please don't do this," Jason says, and I can see from a sideways glance that his face is burst open. Kade must have got him. "Don't jump." I have nothing left. It's all just pain and dark and a bunch of nothingness. I want to tell him this, but I can't. I keep my eyes forward. "Killing yourself isn't going to make it all go away. If you jump, then it might be done for you, but everyone who cares for you will suffer. Do you know why? Because you are loved, Stacey." I want to shake my head. No one loves me. I'm dead to everyone. "Stacey..." He inches forward, and my jaw trembles. "We can fix this. We can talk to him. I'm sorry I got scared. We can fix it. We can find out what happened last night." The wind is heavier, and I should be cold in just my T-shirt, but I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything at all. I don't want to jump because Kade left me. I want to do it because I want to die. "Look at me," he says, his voice closer. "Please, Stacey. I lost everything too." I turn my head to him slowly. His face is a mess. His nose is bleeding, his eyebrow cut, and his bottom lip is swollen. "I lost my fiancée, who's probably already pregnant. I lost my brother. And I've most likely lost the rest of my family. If you jump, then you're leaving me to do this on my own." My voice betrays me as it croaks, my face cramping, "But it hurts." Inside and outside. I have plasters all over my chest and thighs. The bruising is only getting worse, and inside me is ripped to shreds. He raises his hands as he inches forward, until he's right beside me, on the opposite side of the railing. He's got a grip on my top from behind. "I lost my baby girl, and now I've lost him." Carefully, Jason moves closer. "I'm sorry this has happened to you. But death is not the answer, Stacey. You'll leave so much heartbreak behind, when we can all help you. You jumping off this bridge will not make it stop." "Maybe not," I say, looking out into the mist again, my voice monotone. "But it's the only way I think I can stop it from hurting so much." Jason sighs. "What's your favourite movie?" I stay quiet, confused by his question. "Mine is Fight Club. I think I've watched it over a thousand times. What's yours?" I wet my lips, and as I go to reply, images of me and Kade lying in bed, watching The Greatest Showman flash before me, Milo and Hopper jumping around with me as I dance, and my gut drops. Jason keeps going. "Tell me about your family. What do they do?" I frown, but instead of staring into the abyss and letting go of the railing, I say, "My dad is an engineer. Nora, my stepmother, stopped working when she married him." I blink, unsure why I'm even responding to him. "She has two sons. One is fine, but the other is the reincarnation of Satan." "My dad is an engineer too." I turn to face him. "What kind?" "Structural. He built his business over the years. What kind of engineer is your dad?" I remember the day he got his big break and was picked up by a well-known company. "Chemical." He hums, and his grip tightens on my top as I lessen my hold on the railing. "The good brother, what's he like?" "Bossy," I say, my lip quirking at the corner. "He's the way all brothers should be. He loves me like I'm his real sister. He... he didn't want to go to college, because that would leave me with Chris. He knows Chris is possessive of me and controlling, but he doesn't know just how far he takes things. He deserves to go over this bridge." He nods. "Then let's throw him over instead." I turn my face to him again, tears running down my cheeks then blowing away with the wind. "Promise?" "Come down, and I promise." Little did I know, when he helped me off the bridge and drove me home, that would be the last time I'd see him. He broke his promise and, along with Kade, vanished from my life in the process.