Chapter 16 SLIPPERY LOYALTY -CLAIRE POV- The office still smells like bergamot and sage , just like it did two years ago . Dr. Elman hasn't changed a thing . Same cream- colored walls . Same stack of outdated Psychology Today magazines on the glass table . Same soft , annoying calm in her voice . " Hello Claire , long time no see , " she says gently . " Tell me what I owe for this visit " I sat cross - legged , my finger tipping the leather chair , my eyes fixed on Dr. Elma . " I don't know , just feel like going for a walk , " I said , which was half lie , half true . Doctor Elma jotted something down on her notepad , before shifting her attention from her notepad to me . " Do you have something that you might like to share Claire ? " she asked . I scoffed , shifting uncomfortably . " What makes you think , I do ? " I started . " My life is perfect , I am not the same old Claire who sat here two years ago crying my eyes out asking why I wasn't enough " I paused , realizing what I had just poured out . Doctor Elma smiled , and I suddenly hated how good she was at her damn job . " Start smaller " she offers . " What triggers these feelings " I ran a hand through my hair and laughed , it was a dry , bitter laugh . " A man . Always a man " Doctor Elma didn't flinch , she sat there , dressed in a cream chiffon shirt , her white pants perfectly pressed to perfection , her dirty blonde hair in a bun . Her flat heel , swung in the air as she sat cross - legged from me . Her glasses made her look older than 30 , but she still looked sexy and professional . " You must have seen the headlines , I am getting married , " I said slowly , my eyes now staring at my engagement ring . " Congratulations , " Doctor Elma said , causing her to look up at her . Her eyes were friendly now , and I smiled . " Alexander .... he's stable He sees me . Protects me . Makes me feel like I could build something permanent . " "But ? " " But Richard still lives somewhere inside me . " I swallow hard . " And I hate that . I hate that after everything he did , I can't excise him completely . Like he's lodged under my skin , and I keep scratching until I bleed . " The room fell into silence . Dr. Elman scribbles something in her notes . " Do you believe that holding on to that feeling means you're betraying Alexander ? " " No. " I pause . " Yes . Maybe . " The truth is uglier than that . I don't know how to not carry Richard with me . " I see , " Dr. Elma said scribbling something down on her note . " What do you want Claire ? " The question hid me so hard , I stared blankly at Doctor Elma . What do I want ? I wanted to see Richard suffer not give him room to make me feel small and stupid again . 1/4 Chapter 16 +15 Bonus I wanted to break Monica till she begged and begged and then hated her life . What I want is ..... To be free from this heartache and just breathe . Then maybe , just maybe I would be able to return Alexander's love and be happy , and build a life I deserve with him . " What I want .... is to be happy " After the session, I walked without direction . The summer air is thick, humming with sirens and faint jazz from the street corner . I ended up where I wasn't supposed to be : My old neighborhood . The townhouse isn't even theirs . Richard and I had rented it during the first year of our marriage , before we bought the loft . But Monica's black SUV is parked right outside it now . Of course . A new life , layered neatly over the bones of my old one . I stand across the street and stare . Every window is lit. Laughing shapes flickering behind drawn curtains . Maybe it's friends . Maybe it's family . Maybe it's just them , together . There was a time I believed in justice . In healing . Now ? I believe in what you can see . And right now , all I see is this : ' They're thriving . ' Off my grief . { Flashback } It happened three years ago , after my first miscarriage . I was hollowed out . Drifting . Monica came over under the guise of dropping off soup and distraction . She hugged me like a sister . I thought I was dreaming , maybe a bad dream , because the pills I took had started to kick in . Then , with that same sugar - wrapped venom she always used , I heard her say : " I didn't plan it , Claire . It just ... happened . He was falling apart , and I was there . He always wanted me . He just couldn't see it when you were everywhere - your love suffocated him . You must've known , somewhere deep down . " I remember the taste of vomit in my mouth . I remember the crushing silence in the house . And I remember one very clear thought : ' She's not even sorry . ' I don't realize , I am crying until the headlight flashes and a familiar car jerks stop beside me . The driver's side door flies open . " Claire ... What the fuck are you doing here ? " Alexander . He's furious . Not cold . Not dismissive . Just burning . He crosses the sidewalk in seconds , gripping my arms with shaking hands . " I have called you six times . You turned off your location . " I can't even answer . My throat is locked . He sees the tears . Sees the street . Sees the townhouse behind me . And puts it together . 2/4 Chapter 16 +15 Bonus " Why ? " he asks , softer this time . " Why would you come here ? " " I don't know . " My voice is barely a whisper . " I needed to see it . To see them . To see if they look guilty . " " And do they ? " " No. " My laugh is sharp . " They look wealthy . " Alexander looks like he wants to drag me into the car and slam the door behind us . Instead , he cups my jaw , wipes a tear with his thumb , and says nothing else . Back at the penthouse . The second the door closes , everything erupts . " Do you have a death wish ? " he snaps . "Do you think I won't burn the entire city down if something happens to you ? " " Then maybe let it burn ! " I shout back . "Maybe then you'll stop trying to fix me like I'm some broken thing you can glue back together and show off at your next charity gala . " His jaw tightened , a muscle feathering in his cheek . I could see the restraint in his body , the way his hands flexed at his sides like he was fighting the urge to reach for me . But I was not done . I couldn't stop , even if I wanted to . The words spilled out of me , ugly and honest . " You don't get to decide what's best for me . You don't get to control me . " That was the spark . His eyes darkened , and in one quick movement , he closed the distance between us . I didn't back away . I couldn't . Some twisted part of me wanted this ... wanted him .... even like this . Especially like this . His mouth crashed into mine , not a kiss but a crash , teeth clashing , tongues battling . It was punishment . It was rage . It was everything I needed right now and couldn't admit . My nails raked down his shirt , tearing at the fabric like I could rip away the layers between us . His hands gripped my waist , fingers digging into my flesh hard enough to bruise , and then I was off my feet , my back hitting the hallway wall with a force that knocked the breath from my lungs . I gasped , but he didn't give me time to recover . His lips trailed down my neck , sharp nips of teeth against my collarbone , the heat of his mouth burning my skin . ' Fuck Richard , Fuck Monica , I was here for my revenge and I would get it ' I arched into him , my body betraying me , melting even as my My mind screamed at me to fight . His hands were everywhere , rough , possessive , claiming . One slid up to tangle in my hair , yanking my head back to expose my throat , while the other gripped my thigh , hitching it higher around his waist . " We're not making love , " he growled against my skin , his voice a dark promise . " This isn't love . " I knew that . God , I knew that . But my body didn't care . My hips rocked against him , seeking friction, needing more . His fingers dug into the soft flesh of my thigh , his touch branding me , marking me . I could feel the hard length of him pressing against me , and I whimpered , my nails scratching at his shoulders . He lifted his head , his eyes burning into mine . 3/4 Chapter 16 +15 Bonus There was no tenderness there . No gentleness . Only hunger . Only need . And something else - something darker , something that made my stomach twist with anticipation . " You want this ? " he demanded , his voice rough . " You want me like this ? " I should have said no . I should have pushed him away . But the truth was , I did want him . I wanted him like this - angry , possessive , out of control . I wanted him to take , to punish , to make me forget everything but the feel of his hands on my body . " Yes , " I breathed , the word barely a whisper .