CHAPTER 47- REGRET MAYA'S POV The nurse's voice was gentle but brisk as she handed me the papers . " Miss Maya , you're cleared . Just sign here , and you're free to go . " I pressed the pen down , as my fingers trembled slightly . Free to go . Finally out of this place . No more bland meals on plastic trays ... No more smell of antiseptic ... just freedom . But now I thought of it , it didn't feel as sweet as I viewed it would . When I walked toward the glass doors , Theophilus was already waiting by the entrance , tall and patient as ever in his black suit . The chauffeur gave me a small nod and quickly stepped forward to take my bag . " Miss Maya , let me , " he said . But I pulled it back before his hand could close around it . " Relax , Theo . I can carry my own bag . " He frowned but didn't argue , only fell into step beside me as we moved toward the car . But guess what ? I didn't get far . Not really . " Theo , " I murmured . " Yes , Miss ? " " Wait a minute . " And just like that , I ended up in the hospital chapel . The room was quiet in a way that hurt ... too clean , too hollow , too full of ghosts I didn't know how to pray to . I turned to my side and noticed a woman crying quietly a few seats down . She was rocking slightly , clutching something in her hands . I caught bits and pieces ... something about her daughter , a prayer , maybe a name ... but I didn't really pay attention . My mind was too full right now . There was a cross on the wall , below it were flickering candles and one of those little boxes where people wrote prayers on slips of paper and stuffed them in . I didn't write anything ... I wouldn't even know where to start . ཁ མ ོ ༔ ཡ Please forgive me ? Please don't let him die ? Please let this baby never know the mess I made ? I didn't know what to fucking do .... I ran a hand across my messy buns . And slowly my hands left my hair and to my stomach . I didn't fucking know why ... but that bastard's face kept appearing in my head . His gentle brown eyes locked on my mind the most ... maybe that was the trait I found so catching ... But did it matter now ? It was all his damn fault . That mutt couldn't keep his mouth shut , always bitching about Marvin like it was a full - time job . Did he hate him that much ? Did everything we went through mean absolutely nothing to him ... that he went as far as pulling the trigger on my brother ? Fuck him ! Fuck that bitch , Brandy ! And fuck me for falling for a total dick . Fuck me twice for being dumb enough to sign that stupid contract , thinking I could keep my heart out of it . And fuck me triple for actually believing he'd like me back . 1/3 REGRETS +25 BONUS I hated myself . More than I could even explain . Was it because I walked out of that hospital when my brother needed me the most ? Or was it because I was too much of a coward to stay and face what I was really afraid of ? I stood too fast , my knees locking for a second before I forced myself out of the chapel . The moment the sunlight hit my skin , I paused , squinting my eyes deeply as if the outside world was new again . Theophilus was already waiting by the car . " Miss Maya , shall I take you home ? " " No , " I whispered . " Stop at the florist . " His brows lifted . " Wouldn't you want to see Mr. Perkins first ? " I gripped my bag tighter . If I walk into that room now , and he's still like that ... I might break into pieces I can't put back together . " I will , but not yet . " He didn't say anything to that , just went to the drivers seat and started the engine . The bell above the little flower shop chimed when I pushed the door open . The air smelled of fresh lilies and roses ... and maybe something green and fresh . My fingers touched every bloom like they could whisper to me . And then I saw it ... a single white chrysanthemum . " I'll take this one , " I said . The florist wrapped it carefully , and as I paid , a strange smile tugged at my lips . " I used to work in a place like this , " I murmured to myself . Back in college , when money was thin and life was simple , I'd spent hours arranging flowers , memorizing what each one stood for , never knowing I'd one day need them for something this personal . I made my way back to the hospital . Theophilus hovered like he was auditioning for the role my personal bodyguard , probably thinking I'd crumble the second I saw him . " Thanks , but I've got this , " I snapped , striding ahead . Some battles , I decided , are meant to be faced alone . Stepping inside , everything felt ... off . Like the hospital had shifted in the few hours I'd been gone , but to be honest , I didn't really bother with that . I handed the florist the flowers and told her to help me get a vase . My heart started racing and I couldn't help but wonder ... What would it feel like when I saw him ? I made my way to the nurses ' station and two nurses greeted me with that practiced , tired smile they always wore . I remembered one clearly , she had come to give me a vitamin injection once , when I'd fainted and I was at the general medical ward . Her smile was all professional calm , but it hit me with this weird comfort like , okay , maybe I can handle this after all . " You're looking for Mr. Perkins , " she said , as if reading my mind . I nodded , swallowing the lump in my throat . ICU , she said . My pulse went wild , and I swear the world tilted just a little . But she smiled at me , gently , like she could see the storm inside my chest . And somehow ... it helped . She even guided me , to his ward . I watched her move , always smiling like some kind of robot who never had a bad day , never had problems of her own . Maybe I was using that as an excuse to calm down ... maybe . Before I knew it , we were standing in front of the door . I could hear the steady , cold beep of machines from outside . The nurse pushed the door open and stepped inside first , glancing back at me like , " Go on . " I hesitated ... took a breath . I stepped inside . And damn ... I nearly dropped the vase . He was a wreck . Both hands and legs strapped down , tubes and wires curling around him like snakes . There was that neck brace keeping him still and he seemed small , so so small that it took my breath away . 2/3 REGRETS +25 BONUS The nurse quietly excused herself , leaving me alone with him . I just stood there , staring . He lay motionless , skin pale , lips cracked and it seemed his hair had grown uneven . His jawline was rough ... like he'd chew through life and dared it to bite back . He didn't look like the man I knew ... he looked like a shadow of him . I stood at his bedside , staring as my fingers tightened around the flower until I feared the stem would snap . Is this really him ? My brother ? Look what they did to my brother ... and it's all my fault . Every single bit of it . If I had just forced him to stay home that night , maybe none of this would've happened . If I hadn't dragged him into whatever mess I had with Larry ... maybe he'd still be whole . But no . I had to play the hero ... or the fool . I had to think I could handle it all . And now ? Now he's lying there , and I can't even ... look at him without feeling every stupid choice I ever made crawl over me like fire ants . And the worst part ? The worst part is knowing I can't undo it . Not even if I screamed at the universe , not even if I begged God to rewind time . I can't . I hate this . I hate him lying there . I hate the machines . I hate that smile the nurse gave me that made it slightly easier to breathe , but didn't fix anything . And mostly , I hate myself . I placed the chrysanthemum gently on the table beside him . " This means recovery , " I whispered . " And you're going to live up to it . Do you hear me ? You don't get to quit on me now . " The room swallowed my words , the only reply was the soft hiss of the oxygen . I exhaled shakily and leaned closer , letting my forehead hover inches from his . Please just one sign . A twitch ... a sigh . Anything . But nothing came . And then ... " You must be Miss Perkins . "