Chapter 19 A few days later, I woke up in a sweat, my body buzzing from head to toe. This wasn't the first sex dream I'd had involving Dorian. But it was the first one in a year-probably triggered by the incident at the bridal shop. We'd been back at the mansion pool, and Dorian had done a body shot off of me. But unlike real life, this version had morphed into something altogether different. His head had been between my legs after he'd poured tequila over my clit, licking it off. My brain was incredibly cruel for creating these dream sequences when I'd been working so hard to block him from my mind. These vivid sexual dreams felt like setbacks, even if they shouldn't have meant anything. Why couldn't I have had these dreams about Casey, or literally anyone else in the world but Dorian Vanderbilt? Maybe because the more you try to bury things that remain unresolved, the more your subconscious works to bring them out. And there was nothing I'd tried to bury deeper than Dorian. "Are you okay?" Casey asked. Shit. "I'm okay," I answered as I caught my breath. "You were breathing heavily in your sleep. You should maybe get checked for sleep apnea." Trust me, that's not the problem. "Was I?" "Yeah. Moving around a lot, too. Your legs were wiggling." No surprise there. "I think I was just having a bad dream." About my ex-boyfriend's head between my legs. "I'm sorry you had a nightmare." "Me, too. Thank you." I sighed as I rolled over. "Maybe I should try...taping my mouth or something." Casey wrapped his arms around me from behind. As he held me, I felt both guilt and relief. Somewhere in my subconscious I was still lusting for Dorian Vanderbilt, but in reality, I had Casey, someone unlike Dorian whom I could trust and who truly loved me. Someone I was pretty sure would never leave me or our daughter. And someone who most definitely deserved better than a woman who had more emotional baggage than he knew about. *** Later that afternoon, I was feeling restless, so I called Lucy to see if she and her son, who was around Rosie's age, were up for a playdate. Luckily, she, too, was feeling a bit bored today and encouraged us to come by. Playdates were as much about mental sanity for the moms as they were socialization for the kids. I loved my daughter, but some days it felt impossible to come up with enough ways to entertain her while she wasn't in preschool. When the weather outside was crappy, like it was today, that made it even harder. A little while later, as Rosie and Sebastian played in the living room, Lucy and I sat with the coffees I'd picked up on the way here. The sun had finally come out and filtered through the window, casting a glow on Lucy's blonde hair. It was amazing what a little patch of sunshine, good coffee, and pleasant company could do for one's mood. Then Lucy had to go and ruin it. "Can we talk about what happened when we were dress shopping?" she asked. My heart beat faster. I'd thought I'd dodged a bullet, but Lucy was more perceptive than I'd given her credit for. "What do you mean?" I made one last attempt at playing dumb. "I don't know. Your mood took a pretty big turn. I couldn't help but wonder if maybe you were having doubts about going through with the wedding..." Ugh. "That wasn't what the mood switch was about." Silence descended upon the room as she waited for me to elaborate. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," she said. But now I knew I couldn't let it go. Burying it was clearly not working. I hadn't spoken about Dorian to anyone, not even a therapist, which I probably should've done a long time ago. Lucy was my best friend. I'd lost touch with Janelle after moving from California, which I'd always regretted. I'd seen from social media that she was married now with a baby on the way. Thank goodness I'd found Lucy. She and I hadn't known each other more than a few years, but it sometimes felt like we had. If I couldn't talk to her, who could I talk to? I sighed. "When you made a comment about the color of one of the dresses, it threw me into a bit of PTSD." "Oh my gosh. How is that possible? A color?" "It's a long story." I looked down at my phone. "Not sure we have time for it today." Lucy looked over at the kids and sipped her coffee. "They seem to be playing well. And I ain't going anywhere. So, I'm listening." I took a deep breath and began the story of my heartbreak, starting with when I'd moved to the mansion to live with my aunt and ending with my leaving Orion Coast after the devastation of Dorian's one-eighty. I also explained the aquamarine thing. She listened intently-the story unfolded like some kind of television drama, complete with handsome billionaire, tragedy, and picturesque California scenery. When I finished, she cocked her head. "You haven't googled him all this time?" "No. I don't want to know anything. I know that might seem hard to believe, but there's nothing I could find out that would make me feel better about the situation. I don't want to see that he's moved on with someone. I don't want to see his face. I was supposed to have kept in touch with Patsy and Benjamin, but I lost touch with them as well. Reaching out to them could mean learning something that would upset me. I need to move on." She sighed. "Wow, I can't believe you and I have known each other all this time, and you never told me this story. Your time there clearly had a major impact on your life, and it all makes so much sense now." "What makes sense?" "Why I sometimes catch you deep in thought, like something is on your mind, and yet you always claim to be fine. You have this air of mystery around you, something I could never put my finger on. And certainly this explains why you acted strangely at the dress shop." "When you truly believe you love someone with all of your heart and soul and they betray you, your trust in everything dies. I trust Casey as much as I possibly can. But also it's..." I hesitated. "What?" she prodded. "It's as if..." I thought a moment. "It's as if I don't care anymore. Like the worst has already happened. And now, I just do what's best for my daughter, regardless of whether Casey or anyone else might end up hurting me." I shook my head. "I don't think I'm capable of being hurt anymore." Lucy nodded. "That's sad, but sort of reasonable." "I love Casey, but it's different than what I experienced in California. I'm not sure if I'd ever be able to love someone the way I loved Dorian." "Hmm..." Her eyes narrowed. "Did you say his name is Dorian?" "Yeah, why?" I tried to avoid saying it out loud as much as possible. She stared into space for a moment. "Dorian... I feel like I heard that name somewhere recently. What's his last name?" "Vanderbilt." Her eyes widened. "What?" "I could swear I heard that exact name recently. Dorian Vanderbilt. I shit you not. I just can't remember where." A surge of adrenaline rushed through me. Hopefully, she was just imagining this. Dorian Vanderbilt wasn't exactly a common name, though. If she thought she'd heard it, maybe she had. Lucy rubbed her temples. "It's gonna drive me nuts until I figure it out." As the minutes passed, I tried to calm myself. This probably meant nothing. People confused names all the time. Rosie and I stayed another hour at Lucy's before I had to round my daughter up so we could get home to prepare dinner. Just as I was gathering our things, Lucy snapped her fingers. "I know where I heard that name." I froze. "Where?" "It was someone who rented a car recently." Lucy worked part time at the car rental place at the airport. Blood pounded in my ears. Then she laughed. "But you know what? I get client names wrong all the time. I remember thinking what a strong name that was, but for all I know, it could've been Damien or Darren Vanderbilt." She shook her head. "Maybe it was Van der Beek." The tension in my neck relaxed a bit. I could totally see Lucy screwing up the name. She likely ran across all kinds of similar-sounding names with the volume of business at that car rental place. I laughed it off. "Well, thanks a lot for the scare, but I'm gonna choose to ignore it." "As you should with my scatterbrain." She chuckled. We said goodbye, and I vowed to let it go. Just wasn't sure that I could. *** Later that evening, I wished my guardian angel would drop something on my head to knock some sense into me. I knew I'd regret what I was about to do. And yet I couldn't seem to stop myself. After both Casey and Rosie were asleep, I snuck out of bed into the living room with my laptop. Rather than freeing me, my obsession with Dorian had grown worse after recounting my story to Lucy earlier. It made me wonder if the reason I hadn't been able to let go of him was because I was still hanging on to the Dorian of the past. It was easy to do that when I hadn't googled him to see who he was now, what sort of life he was living. If I could see with my own eyes that he was married or was still playing the field, maybe that would help me to move on. Otherwise, it was as if Dorian, or at least the memory of him, had been frozen in time-as if the Dorian I knew was still out there somewhere, regretting his decision to hurt me. My mind kept giving me conflicting messages, one second warning me against searching his name, the next encouraging me to get it over with. What are you doing? This is a mistake. Just do it! My pulse raced as my fingers hovered over the keys. A minute later, I typed his name. D-O-R-I-A-N V-A-N-D-E-R-B-I-L-T. After I hit the search button, I closed my eyes. I didn't really want to know. A wave of nausea came over me as I forced my eyes open. Then the title of the news article I saw rocked me to my core. Orion Coast Tech Mogul Dorian Vanderbilt Missing at Sea I'd been through a lot of shocking moments in my life-the day Christina died, the moment Dorian broke up with me, the day I'd learned I was pregnant-but never in my life had I felt the weight of something so heavy, so profoundly soul-crushing. I'd prepared myself for a number of potentially upsetting scenarios: finding out he was married, finding out he had a child, confirming that he looked more beautiful and happier than ever. But never had I considered a scenario like this. Gulping, I clicked on the article. Authorities in Turkey are searching the Aegean Sea for the bodies of tech billionaire Dorian Vanderbilt and a business associate after the luxury boat they were traveling in was found empty and unmanned about thirty miles from shore. Local authorities, along with the Turkish Coast Guard Command, have been searching the waters for the past forty-eight hours after a member of Vanderbilt's staff reported him missing. According to Vanderbilt associates, while on vacation, the tech mogul went out on a leisurely ride, accompanied by longtime family friend Benjamin Crane. Neither Crane nor Vanderbilt have been seen nor heard from since. It's feared that the men may have gone swimming off of the boat and drowned. At this time, there are no indications of foul play. I felt the walls closing in as tears rolled down my cheeks. I looked at the date of the California newspaper article, and my stomach sank. It had been published a year or so after I'd left California. Years had gone by, and I'd been worrying about all the wrong things. All of this time Dorian had been dead? Or missing? I didn't know which. But I didn't want to keep looking. I couldn't bear to see that he and Benjamin had died. I wasn't ready for that. Oh my God. Poor Dorian. I didn't care what he'd done to me. He didn't deserve to drown. And Benjamin. Feeling a violent churning in my stomach, I ran to the bathroom off the kitchen and vomited into the toilet. Presumed dead. Presumed dead. Presumed dead. I vomited again. When there was nothing left, I sat in a corner of the bathroom, huddled on the floor. All I felt in that moment was love-love for a man I'd vilified for being honest about his feelings. Love for a man who'd been through so much after the loss of his father, only to be...presumed dead. Drowned. How could this have happened? Maybe I could find the courage to keep searching for information. But not today. Today I wasn't ready to hear that the love of my life had died. And yes, it was now clear to me that the love of my life could also be the greatest heartbreak of my life. Dorian Vanderbilt was one and the same. In a romance-themed observation show, several participants undergo a series of interactions and conflicts filled with love, misunderstandings, and power struggles. In the end, one couple rises to over...